This was originally published in Elephant Journal in 2015. (https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/07/five-ahole-moves-adult/) Anne Lamott clarifies the underlying message of all great religions in her memoir, Traveling Mercies. That message roughly translates to: Don’t be an a**hole. Much of Lamott’s writing is dedicated to fortifying this message and emphasizing the great pace at which we must jog in order to put this to practice in our own lives. Some of us were born sprinti

Stop Ploden... Stop Ploden! When I first read the phrase, “Stop Ploden,” written so neatly and perfectly in kindergarten script I thought: Is this a new political candidate? Who is Ploden? Why do I need to stop him? What has he done? Luckily, the author of said sign was sitting at my kitchen table, eating scrambled eggs shirtless; legs swinging below the table. “Who is Ploden? Why do we need to stop him?" “Mom, it is polluting. Stop polluting! Jeesh!” “Oh yeah!! You right, yo

Let it Rip I split the ass out of my pants on a cold February day. It wasn’t a full split, technically--just my right ass-cheek was left exposed--the little patch of corduroy limply hanging to the side. I was left with with the sheer cliff of a less-than-new thong waiving at the audience behind me. My twenty-six year old ass was mostly intact--a faint hint of aging to come, evidenced in small traces of stretch marks, although still roundish and suitable for most viewing audi